What to say after a miscarriage...

With the rates of infertility and miscarriage seemingly rising, it is often difficult to know what to say or not to say.....

Source

When we lost our third pregnancy to miscarriage, it was completely unexpected as we had had 2 fairly uneventful successful pregnancies prior.  (Holt almost miscarried but ended up fine.)

When we then lost our next 2 (3 out of 5 pregnancies, one being twins), I was beyond devastated and Andy had to be the strong one. The girl who "never is seen without a smile" suddenly was in a deep spiral....  He was the public support...answering questions but comforting me at home.  I holed up in the house because every time I left and went somewhere, namely church....someone would inevitably bring it up and cause a torrent of tears again.  I might have just gone one day without crying and here it came again.

There were things folks said that were NOT appreciated.  This post is about what TO say...

I found this article this morning and liked it -

4 Right Things to Say after a Miscarriage

Even if you've never experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, you know that the minute you found out you were expecting, you got excited most likely, started dreaming of if it was a boy or girl, what he/she would look like....Even pregnancies that end 2 weeks later have lots of dreams attached.

I remember being in a holding pattern until the due date of the particular pregnancy...until then, I would notice all pregnant women and be sad.  I was supposed to be that pregnant.

Once the due date passed, a calm came over me.  I was finally OK....pregnant women didn't trigger tears.  I recommend being sensitive to the due date and it would have touched me greatly if a close friend had said, "I'm thinking of you today".  So often, folks will ignore and act like nothing happened rather than acknowledge the loss.

We will see our 4 babies in Heaven one day and it gives us hope.  Especially knowing at least one of them is another boy (had testing to see if docs could figure out why we were having recurrent losses), it warms my heart.  I AM a boy mom!

Many gentle ( ( HUGS ) ) to those of you who have personally experienced the loss of a pregnancy or child.  Sometimes only those who have been there truly will ever understand.

The Babies We Lost

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I created a page years ago while mourning, when a loving counselor encouraged me to allow myself to grieve, telling me lovingly that we "Won't get over it, but we will get through it".  

In memory of:

Avery Elizabeth  May, 1994

Bret Andrew and Garrett Austin  August, 1994

(testing confirmed twins and boys)

Hope Renee    November, 1995

My post from last year, October 15, 2009.  Click HERE.
 
After suffering these repeated miscarriages and never again conceiving, even after pursuing advanced infertility avenues, I was filled with grief and wondering "Why??"  So grateful I had our two boys but then with a sadness of the 4 we lost.  I eventually received test results giving me my answer - I had elevated natural killer cells, which COULD reverse spontaneously.  But with both of us having issues, our chances of conceiving without expensive advanced help were Zero.  I was then able to move on - I got my answer.  I'm like that - always want to know "WHY?".

What many people do not understand is that the minute we get pregnant, we start having dreams of our child-to-be, so when we find out that baby has died, we grieve.  It is normal.  Being surrounded by people who do not understand or who make us feel something is wrong with us FOR grieving just make it worse.  I was better after the due dates passed of all the babies.  Until then, I was sad when I saw a pregnant woman around town or at church.  Happy for them but sad for the loss of my children.

But I will see them again some day and created this page to document their stories and to put poems and music that helped me.  Please send this to someone you know who might be grieving today.  If my emails have any credibility, this site brings much comfort and validation.

Our Babies In Heaven

Here is one poem from this page.  Author Unknown to me.  If someone knows, please let me know and I will gladly credit the author.

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be--
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too--
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all the chains
That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear--
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN