Life has been tough lately. I've shared very little but friends and family know much, but not all. Heartbreak, panic, mortification, sorrow.........to be expected in these circumstances. But when the search for "why" and "what to do about it" brought diagnoses for not 2 but 3 guys.........well......a few more adjectives were thrown in for me. It's been tough. No quick fix, no miracle medication. Just a lot of hard work, time and lots and lots of money required to do what is most recommended by the specialists.
Overwhelmed.
Listening to the new Sugarland album - The Incredible Machine - and the following song, tears just started flowing. The "hold your breath and try to stop it" type of crying. Poor hubs had that "Oh dear, she's crying, what now" reaction. But the words.........just slices straight to my heart.
Click here to the song WITH lyrics......maybe you know someone who needs to hear it.
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I created a page years ago while mourning, when a loving counselor encouraged me to allow myself to grieve, telling me lovingly that we "Won't get over it, but we will get through it".
In memory of:
Avery Elizabeth May, 1994
Bret Andrew and Garrett Austin August, 1994
(testing confirmed twins and boys)
Hope Renee November, 1995
My post from last year, October 15, 2009. ClickHERE. After suffering these repeated miscarriages and never again conceiving, even after pursuing advanced infertility avenues, I was filled with grief and wondering "Why??" So grateful I had our two boys but then with a sadness of the 4 we lost. I eventually received test results giving me my answer - I had elevated natural killer cells, which COULD reverse spontaneously. But with both of us having issues, our chances of conceiving without expensive advanced help were Zero. I was then able to move on - I got my answer. I'm like that - always want to know "WHY?".
What many people do not understand is that the minute we get pregnant, we start having dreams of our child-to-be, so when we find out that baby has died, we grieve. It is normal. Being surrounded by people who do not understand or who make us feel something is wrong with us FOR grieving just make it worse. I was better after the due dates passed of all the babies. Until then, I was sad when I saw a pregnant woman around town or at church. Happy for them but sad for the loss of my children.
But I will see them again some day and created this page to document their stories and to put poems and music that helped me. Please send this to someone you know who might be grieving today. If my emails have any credibility, this site brings much comfort and validation.
Here is one poem from this page. Author Unknown to me. If someone knows, please let me know and I will gladly credit the author.
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be--
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too--
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all the chains
That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear--
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.
After a while you learn The subtle difference between Holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn That kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes ahead With the grace of a woman Not the grief of a child
And you learn To build all your roads on today Because tomorrow's ground is Too uncertain for plans And futures have a way Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much So you plant your own garden And decorate your own soul Instead of waiting For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn That you really can endure That you are really strong And you really do have worth And you learn and you learn With every good bye you learn.
There are many who cannot understand how a parent can practice tough love with their child during very bad and/or destructive behavior. Trust me when I say, we have not always. Spent most of the years thinking THIS will save him, or maybe THAT will save him.
In the end, all we were doing was fighting for a future HE was not fighting for.
What does "Let Go and Let God" truly mean when your child is lost? How exactly is this the best thing to do ?
I just read the following today and thought it was an excellent visualization. Don't know who to credit (if someone lets me know, I certainly will.)
A mom and dad had a broken child. They prayed and prayed to God to fix their child. After years and years of praying and seeing their child never getting better, they thought maybe God wasn't listening to their pleading prayers.
Then one night an angel appeared to the parents. They cried with broken hearts, telling the angel about all the prayers they had said for their broken child, but nothing ever got better.
Then the angel told them, "You ask God to fix your broken child. He can, in His own good time, and each time He begins, you keep pulling your broken child back to you, thinking you have discovered something new that will fix him. You are in a tug-of-war with God. He can never fix your child if you won't let go."
We are so willing to take our car to the mechanic, and not tell him how to do his job.
We are so willing to let a surgeon operate, and not tell him how to do his job.
We even open our mouths and let a dentist do unseen things inside.
We trust.
If we are so willing to trust humans, why can't we just trust the One Who is All-Seeing, All-Knowing, All-Merciful, All-Wise? Why can't we take the easiest choice, and just give our broken children over to God and let go?
He can't fix them if we keep getting pulling our broken children away from Him.
I have heard this song many times and brings me peace. Wanted to share it.
Love Has Come by Mark Schultz
Lyrics
Well, I know this life is filled with sorrow
And there are days when the pain just lasts and lasts
But I know there will come a day
When all our tears are washed away with a break in the clouds
His glory coming down and in that moment
Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all
For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don't you know it's just a matter of time till the tears are gonna end
You'll see them once again and in that moment
Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all
Oh, and on that day we will stand amazed
At our Savior, God and King
Just to see the face of amazing grace
As our hearts rise up and sing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Thank You for the cross
Singing glory, glory, hallelujah
Christ has paid the cost
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Thank You for the cross
Singing glory, glory
Christ has paid the cost
And every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all
Love has come for us all
Love has come for us all
And every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
God is love and love has come for us all
Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
God is love and love has come for us all
I had just started sleeping again. For 5 nights, I was in bed hours earlier than my "normal" of 3-4 am. I was so excited that maybe I was breaking that pattern. Having the drama and chaos out of our home has really helped, but it took me almost a month to relax again. I was finally believing I did not have to be on "high alert" anymore.
I just made the new collage in the header. Looking at his childhood photos. Where did that child go?
And now? Just how much more stupidity and pain must he go through? Is he close to learning his lesson? Being the parents of adult children taking an alternate path through life really really really sucks.
Is it grief today, or anger, or sadness, or bewilderment? For me, I'm angry. Crying out to God for help with watching this train wreck. My husband is overwhelmingly sad. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great. I stopped crying 3 weeks ago, and I assumed I had run out of tears. It was nice, the respite from the waterworks. But writing this has opened the spigot. Great. All we can do is hold on to each other and make sure we stay strong. Because going through this could destroy us, if we let it. We won't.
Grief.
If your children are doing well, please give them an extra hug today. You just never know when that might change. Sometimes a child takes a journey no parent can bear to watch.
If you are reading this and tears came to your eyes because you know what I'm talking about, please read the book, "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" if you have not. (I found mine at the local Christian Bookstore.) It will save your life. It will save your marriage. It will save your sanity. But it doesn't take the pain away.
I'm 58, mom to 2 adult boys, 35 and 31, and married for 37 years now. Time flies! For more info, see my About Me Button at the top of the page. Thanks for visiting!
