Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I Forgave Myself.....

I was ready.  I was ready to forgive.  I was ready to open my mind to the truth.  I wasn't ready before.  Now was the time.

This was the key?  I've known since day one that my pain was related to what was happening in  my life when it first appeared...everything in my life I knew to be true was turned upside down.  Struggles and trials I wished on no one were in my life.....and I felt powerless.  
The details are unimportant - my reaction WAS.  (For those new to my blog, see on the side bar links to Chronic Pain, Nerve Damage, So What Happened To Me, etc.  Basically, I was injured in 2005, had 3 back surgeries in 12 months and was left with diagnosed severe nerve damage and was finally given an implanted spinal cord stimulator (scs) kind of like a pacemaker for nerves...with a remote control.....and I buzz on the inside like a massage chair rather than feeling the full intensity of the searing nerve pain.  I spent much of my time reclined...keeping the pressure off my S1 nerves.)

No matter what I did to help the situation, nothing changed.  And being such a perfectionist and NOT wanting what WAS happening, I collapsed.  In pain.  More appropriately, denial.  I went in to denial. My conscious mind was overwhelmed and I just collapsed.

However, from day one, I KNEW I would be healed.  Despite my medical records, despite the very real MRI's and CT Scans that show what they show.....diagnosis of decimated nerves....despite the surgeons coming out and telling Andy "Holy moly, how was she even walking..."surgeries that filled my back with metal...and then spinal cord stimulation.....

My "high pain tolerance" that I used to be proud of?  It was no friend of mine.

Then came the subject of social security disability.  Every one told me to file for disability.  Because I had only worked a few years after having been a stay at home mom (SAHM) for many years, I only had a certain amount of time to qualify.  And we could really use the money.  After years spent reclined, who wouldn't?  I wouldn't.  My thinking was, I would be telling the world I will NOT be healed.  It would make it REAL.

Family and friends were perplexed, noticing it WAS real already.  lol  But I have this side of my personality...I call it tenaciousness....I had faith.  Without it, I couldn't imagine where my mind might have gone.  As you can only imagine, the experience of 24/7 burning/searing sensation is ..............something no one should experience.

4 weeks ago, I saw a book online and ordered it immediately:

Opening the Cage of Pain with EFT by Rue Anne Hass.

Having explored and used EFT (Tapping) in the past, I was very intrigued. EFT uses acupressure points on the face, neck, collarbone and hands to relieve issues.   In this book, she states:
"I believe that chronic pain can emerge from years of hiding, holding back, caging or repressing our deepest self-expression.  Chronic pain is the body's expression of emotional and spiritual pain.  Pain gets our attention!  It is calling us to free our deep spirit."
I started saying to myself quotes in this book:
"Even though I get overwhelmed, but I swallow my real feelings, soldier on, and tough it out, I realize that is making me sick.  I love and accept who I really am.  I honor my deep inner strength, my truth and my goodness."
"Even though my heart feels heavy and tight and sad, I honor myself for how hard this has been, I understand and I even forgive myself.  I was doing the best I could.  I choose to love and appreciate this powerful, world changing soul quality I have been so blessed with." 
So, it did not surprise me when I received an email from Barbara Rogers,  the owner of Simply Divine Botanicals online asking to speak directly with me (she had seen my posts with my testimonials of her products).....she called an hour after receiving my number.

Her first question:
"Cheri, when will you be ready to forgive yourself?"

She explained what I already knew....that pain (lingering pain, not "just had an accident acute pain") stems from grief and shame.  Pain comes in to our lives to give us a message.

I have ALWAYS believed this.  ALWAYS.

I thought I HAD done all the forgiving needed.  I forgave others involved.  But guess what?

I had NOT forgiven myself.

I set about immediately to do so....meanwhile, she recommended these books:

The Game of Life and How to Play It by Florence Scovel Shinn


Heal Your Body A-Z by Louise Hay

In this book, it explains that

Low back pain: Fear of money, lack of financial support.


For this, one should repeat:  "I trust all the processes of life.  All I need is always taken care of.  I am safe."

Sciatica:   Being hypocritical.  Fear of money and the future.

For this, one should repeat:  "I move into my greater good.  My good is everywhere, and I am secure and safe."

See, at the exact moment of pain onset, I had started a new career, training new real estate agents to believe in themselves, be all they could be.....that the sky is the limit.  Yet, I could not affect change in my own life.  I could not convince family members to do the same.  I felt like a hypocrite.

In the book Game of Life....it quotes Jesus and the Bible throughout.  For example:

"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it [are] the issues of life."
King James Version  Proverbs 4:23

Pain served a purpose in my life.....it took me from being a mile a minute, hyper girl to someone who learned to be PRESENT.  I had nothing else to do BUT learn to be present.

I consider the last 6 years to be a learning experience for me.  I am such a different person.  I value so much more.  For one, I value my mobility.

Let me share with you some interesting things since the pain lifted 2 weeks ago:

The DAY of the phone call and my pain lifted, we were driving down the road my SCS remote beeped at me from my purse. It never does this.  Long story short, it was BROKEN.  I hadn't turned myself "up" for the day and now, no stimulation.

Well....if my pain is gone, I don't NEED stimulation, right?   (Hello God, I see you....I feel you...you got my attention!!)

It is now 15 days and I have still not had my remote "fixed"....despite the promise of a 2 day turnaround.  More proof the pain is gone, eh?

Andy and I have been walking together at the park....on a 2 mile trail....with hills and valleys.....and I got new tennis shoes that simulate sand and my hips/legs/calves are getting quite the workout.

We have gone down to the condo weight room and lifted weights.  ME!!!!!!  And I bounced out of bed the next day....no "recovery" period.

My greatest lessons so far:

Our thoughts are very powerful.

Our words are MORE powerful.

What we actually write?  Becomes law in our life.  

I am in the process of going back to all my profiles and changing what I wrote and I am watching how I refer t0 my situation.  When something happens today that I wasn't expecting, I ask myself, "God, for what blessing has this occurred?"

Photo Credit

I am whole.  I am healed.  I am forgiven.

I am now to go fulfill why I was put on this earth.........my intense learning session has completed and I will never be the same.  I will forever grateful for this experience.  I truly will.  Onward now to learn what is next!

Starting now, I will use this story to help others.....and I can't wait.

P.S.  The science behind our thoughts and illness is solid.  I will be sharing a post soon showing more of the scientific background on this subject.  Just as we can make ourselves ill we can heal ourselves as well.  Dr. Caroline Leaf, a cognitive Neuroscientist,  wrote the book, "Who Switched Off My Brain" which I read last summer.  AMAZING.  It IS scientifically proven......



  1. Your honesty was what first attracted me to your blog, and I am grateful for it now. I am so very grateful for you sharing this story! I do not suffer from chronic pain myself, but have a friend who does, and lived a life with a self-destructive parent who could not forgive themselves. This is a real-life lesson in powers greater than ourselves, and the realization that we all need to be taught. I wish you a pain free life forever!!!

  2. I recently was given a book by Louise Hay and it's amazing how our mind controls our body. "I forgive you for not being who I needed you to be. I forgive you...I set you free." Every day I say this and I visualize xxx being happy then I think how wonderful my family is and I realize that I don't need xxx to complete my life. Surprisingly my thyroid levels have returned to normal.

    I am not sure if this is at all similar to you but your post really spoke to me. I hope you find the peace that will set you free.

  3. Claire, thank you so much. One thing I promised myself from day one on this blog was pure honesty...it makes things easier than trying to keep up with the "story". Thanks so much for reading!

    WonderWhyGal - it IS the same deal...and how awesome is that. Thanks for sharing that affirmation... and I have found the peace....and I thank God so much for that. I had to be ready to listen. If HE forgives, why didn't I? I have now. Amen!

  4. Wow, Cheri! God is so good! I am praising Him right along with you. I know He will mightily use you and your testimony! I'm so happy for you!

  5. Wow, what a powerful post, a powerful woman. God Bless.

  6. Your honesty is so refreshing! It takes a lot of confidence to be honest with ones self and admit that they haven't fully forgiven themselves! I applaud you!

  7. Sonya, Hillery, and Mitzi - thank you so much. I really contemplated exactly how to word this post let alone what to title it. I finally decided just to put it straight out there....because it is simply true. Except I had no idea. Spent so much time outside myself enduring what we went through....was unaware I held myself responsible for things I could not possibly have been responsible for. Any other perfectionists who "get that"? :)

  8. Congratulations - how wonderful to have broken through the barrier. Our mind can certainly trick us. I learned in a yoga class not to say 'can't' and to keep trying. I'm so glad you kept at it and now your set free. God has certainly blessed you!

  9. I am a true believer in the immense power of the brain. It controls everything! And, it never hurts to surround yourself ALWAYS in positive light.

  10. Congratulations. I truly hope that you are healed forever. I bought the "Cage of Pain" book, but for the past 2 nights when I am ready to read, I fall asleep. Maybe tonight I will get past the first page.
    Beckie in Brentwood, TN


Thanks so much for your lovely comments!