Powerful

My dear pain friends......I ran across this quote today and feel it applies to me and my recovery from the deepest depths of the pain.......(along with reading the book "Opening the Cage of Pain" by Rue Anne Haas).

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are."

- Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, is Clinical Professor of Family and Community Medicine at the UCSF School of Medicine.

If this intrigues you but doesn't make sense at this moment, check out the above mentioned book.  ( (HUGS ) ) 

Must See Video on Pain and the Future

Although I cried the entire 8 minute video, it is very worth seeing.  And I can only hope that something can be discovered very soon.

Day to day, my legs burn hip to toes but when my weird back pain kicks in, it feels like that blow torch on the top of my skin intensely.  Usually, however, it feels like the blow torch is deep in my leg.....to toes.

Doesn't help that I've been in a pain flare for 2 weeks...thought I was getting better....then went today for another facial (to help the face situation)......and now I'm paying for it.  Hard.  (Not sure when I will post this....so that will probably be a few days old news.)

I just want to tell you.....if you suffer from any type of chronic pain, I am so SO sorry.  I "get it".  I truly do.

Keeping It Real

One of those weeks where I’m reciting the Serenity Prayer over and over and over…..

GOD
Grant me the SERENITY
To accept the things
I cannot change

The COURAGE
To change the things I can

And the WISDOM to know the difference

Credit - Charlie Murdach

 

Central Pain -

It can be a steady, sometimes deep burning, aching, cutting, tearing sensation CPS (Central Pain Syndrome) may be mixed with sudden, excruciating shots of pain. It is often mixed with other distracting sensations like cold, tingling, a "pins and needles" effect, a ballooning sensation, throbbing, and the feeling of a dental probe on a raw nerve.

Intense skin reactions can accompany these symptoms, such as burning, stretching, tightness, itching, or a crawling feeling that can be irritated by any light touch, sometimes just the feel of cloth on skin, which can making dressing an ordeal. Sometimes the touch of a loved one, or family member, in fun, or love, may often be a way to overwhelm the brain with the pain from CPS.

This unwelcome guest joined a party already in progress.  

Attendees include:

Massive nerve pain flare hips to toes, busting through the spinal cord stimulator like it isn’t even there.

Mid-back (thoracic) spasms, arthritic in nature, likely triggered by rain.

Low back muscle burning, deep deep pain, pain in joints.

And now this.  Central Pain.  Again.   I had this once before and when I survived it then, prayed it was a fluke occurrence.  Guess not.

How people live with this every day defies my understanding.  Folks say that about my regular pain, but I had gotten to a mental place where I could just survive.  Not sure about this.

Reclined, frozen as any movement feels like a blow torch on my skin…….my smile is faint, my mood less than stellar, my patience thin……….but the blessing of an amazing husband whose heart breaks when he sees me like this.   Don’t know how I’d do it without him.

Love him.  So much.  Love how he tenderly pulled me out of bed on the mid-back spasm entrance.  Love how he stroked my hair as I buried my face in his chest, only having made it to sitting position, yet to stand and endure the full force of the spasms.  Love how he tenderly hugs me, keeping his hands above my bra strap, being careful not to even brush his fingers across my lower back ribs to hips. 

 

If I didn’t smile, I shudder to think what state I might be in.  Smiling ministry can also be for yourself.  Never knew that until now. 

 

How to Re-Frame

Huh?  Do what??  Re-frame.  Let me share something with you.

As women, we dwell.  I think it is in-born.  Dwell, dwell, dwell.  And not always positively.  

But guess what?

What we Focus on, EXPANDS.

Think about that for a minute.  It's true, isn't it?  

So we must CHOOSE what we focus on.  Well, that is easy to say, hard to do.  Especially on bad days, when everytyhing has gone wrong.  Or when we are moody, have had little sleep.  Why must WE change our thinking?

Because, we owe it to ourselves to do so.  Do you know who dwelling hurts?  US.  Not the person we are upset with.  No one else.  Just us.  Same with forgiveness - it is also for US, not the other person.  We must because we become LESS - less efficient, less happy, less functional - when we lock in on dwelling.  


Guess what? 

We do better when we KNOW better. 

How true is that?

So, how do we change what to focus on? Well, let me introduce you to the concept of 

Re-Framing

Imagine a puzzle in your life with missing pieces.  All of a sudden, some new puzzle pieces come flying towards you through the air.....and then SLAM, those puzzle pieces fall in to place.  Now, you have a different perspective.  Right?  You needed that info years ago, but at least it came now.  Or sometimes we have to create a new puzzle piece, to move on.  To be able to move forward.

Sometimes we stumble on new information.  Sometimes, we gain new perspective with maturity and wisdom.  By watching other people.  But as women, we have things that hurt us - we have emotional pains........and if something happened in our childhood that then gets triggered in adulthood.........look out.  We don't even see that coming.  We are such good actresses, aren't we?  

Looking back, I can take an old memory, replace it with new information OR a new choice.  I can choose to believe whatever was done was not on purpose, for example.   And by doing so the emotional pain lessens.  The emotional pain, the hurt - eventually fades away. 

 

How I handle my nerve pain is very similar to how we can handle our emotional pain.

I choose what I dwell on.

I let go of my old dreams to embrace my new possibilities.

Distraction is my greatest weapon.

Do you have something you are holding on to?  Can you think of a way to re-frame it to be at peace? 

Resolutions for 2010

Kelly at Kelly's Korner has a Show Us Your Life - 2010 Resolutions party going on!

Do you take your health for granted?  I know I did.  It would never happen to me, right?  And if something ever did happen, I believed I could get treated and get better.   And then I took an unplanned trip to the world of Intractable Pain, a world I had only barely heard of, but had no idea what that even meant, or what daily life was like for folks who suffer the kind of pain most people will never even feel for one minute.  But for others, they live it 24 hours a day.  And I was inducted quickly and unwittingly into this special group.

Click Here for The Intractable Pain Patient's Handbook for Survival by Forest Tennant, MD, DrPH

I admit I haven't worried about any resolutions since 2005, when my pain crisis hit.  Each year has just been putting one foot in front of the other, just trying to survive.  Quite honestly, worrying about my "regular" or "traditional" girl things just isn't at the top of my list.  Surviving IS.

But now, with one year behind me with my SCS - Spinal Cord Stimulator - I DO have reason to expect I can get more of my life back, or at least much more than anyone thought possible.  My back is finally stable (after the last of 3 surgeries within 12 months between 2005 and 2006) and the nerve damage.....while absolutely horrid......IS in a holding pattern.  The SCS is a Godsend because it sends electrical signals in my spinal column and blocks/thwarts the pain signals from reaching my brain.  I personally walk around feeling like I have a massage chair on the inside, with my hips to toes tingling just like those massage chairs.  Amazing!  The photo below is an example what I have implanted in my back.  That pulse generator is in my upper right buttock/hip and I use a remote control to turn myself on or off, up or down.  When the pain is really bad, like today, I have my self turned REALLY really high to where I can almost not feel my feet.  But I have a choice to make - turn it up so I can do things today (and be super careful about walking) or just get in my chair and recline all day long.  So I choose to turn that puppy up!

So........my resolutions for 2010 are to:
1.)  Be More Authentic - Who I am, truly?  I vow to take down the actress mask and be honest about how I am doing.  I will continue to work on accepting my situation while continuing to hope for a cure, for a new device or procedure........something to stop this daily torment.  Only when I can share the TRUTH about who and how I am, will I truly begin to heal, either physically, emotionally or spiritually.

2.) Drink at least 16 oz. of Green Smoothie at least 6 days a week.  Currently I am drinking it every single day, sometimes as much as 32 oz.  I really recommend others adopt this - great nutrition!!  Here are some posts from last year - I've been enjoying the Green Smoothies since June, 2009. 

3.)  Read at least 1 book a week.  I'm currently averaging 2 books a week, and I LOVE to read.  I rediscovered my love of half-price books while down in Dallas, and I bet I purchased 18 or so books while we were gone?  Sounds crazy, I know, but I've already read 3 of them!  My favorite books involve health, marriage and family, enhancing our intuition, and embracing what we truly desire and watching it manifest.

4.)  Continue to explore meditation and incorporate it into my life.  I have run across so many inspiring stories and websites and I KNOW this will help me manifest less pain on a daily basis.

and finally....

5.)  Stay on this amazing journey with Andy, my love, and seek each day to bless his life, in whatever small or big ways I find.  Having a strong, deeply committed marriage brings such joy into my life, and is a blessing to our children.  I heard a story on the radio the other day about a family reunion in which members got up to dance to a song  "We Are Family".  Looking around, however, it was noticed that only one family out of many were actually dancing.  The caller then realized that her family was the only one in which the original parents were still married.  One cousin walked up to her cousin and said, "You know, you are lucky that your parents loved YOU enough to stay together".  That really impacted me and hasn't left my mind.  I vow to continue giving this gift to my children.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2010!