Sunday, September 18, 2011

What to say after a miscarriage...

With the rates of infertility and miscarriage seemingly rising, it is often difficult to know what to say or not to say.....


When we lost our third pregnancy to miscarriage, it was completely unexpected as we had had 2 fairly uneventful successful pregnancies prior.  (Holt almost miscarried but ended up fine.)

When we then lost our next 2 (3 out of 5 pregnancies, one being twins), I was beyond devastated and Andy had to be the strong one. The girl who "never is seen without a smile" suddenly was in a deep spiral....  He was the public support...answering questions but comforting me at home.  I holed up in the house because every time I left and went somewhere, namely church....someone would inevitably bring it up and cause a torrent of tears again.  I might have just gone one day without crying and here it came again.

There were things folks said that were NOT appreciated.  This post is about what TO say...

I found this article this morning and liked it -

4 Right Things to Say after a Miscarriage

Even if you've never experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, you know that the minute you found out you were expecting, you got excited most likely, started dreaming of if it was a boy or girl, what he/she would look like....Even pregnancies that end 2 weeks later have lots of dreams attached.

I remember being in a holding pattern until the due date of the particular pregnancy...until then, I would notice all pregnant women and be sad.  I was supposed to be that pregnant.

Once the due date passed, a calm came over me.  I was finally OK....pregnant women didn't trigger tears.  I recommend being sensitive to the due date and it would have touched me greatly if a close friend had said, "I'm thinking of you today".  So often, folks will ignore and act like nothing happened rather than acknowledge the loss.

We will see our 4 babies in Heaven one day and it gives us hope.  Especially knowing at least one of them is another boy (had testing to see if docs could figure out why we were having recurrent losses), it warms my heart.  I AM a boy mom!

Many gentle ( ( HUGS ) ) to those of you who have personally experienced the loss of a pregnancy or child.  Sometimes only those who have been there truly will ever understand.



  1. What an important post, Cheri. I haven't ever experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage, I saw it up close when my daughter miscarried her first pregnancy well into her second trimester.

    I think that the link you posted for the 4 things to say would apply to a lot of different kinds of loss. Years ago when my husband lost his brother to suicide, the questions and probing were not only rude but cruel. Sometimes a simple sorry is the way to go.

    Lovely post. (and I am sorry that you have had to go through such difficulties in your life)

  2. I never really know what to say to someone when there is any kind of loss. I just say 'I'm sorry'.

  3. i have had the unfortunate experience of miscarrying twice. my first pregnancy went off without a hitch, i even carried two and a half weeks over my due date. then i had two miscarriages. and gave birth to my second daughter 19 months later. i know people who have been through miscarriages and they say they just wish they could have a baby to make their pain go away. it doesn't work that way. even though i had another child after the miscarriages, i still to this day thing about the two and wonder who they would have been. i think of the two miscarriages as two angels i have waiting on me in heaven, they are there with my grandparents and all my loved ones that have passed. that thought has helped me, and when my cousin miscarried last year i told her to think of her angel. she said that helped her more than any "i'm sorry" that she heard. i hope this will help someone else who goes through this tragedy.

    ~Tracie from crocreations.

    I still can't comment under my name, sorry for the anonymous.

  4. Your post brought tears to my eyes. My miscarriage was twenty years ago, and I still remember exactly how I felt. Also in my thoughts are some of the not so bright comments I received from people. As someone else stated, a simple, "I'm sorry." is often best.

  5. So sorry to hear of everyone's for sure something I never had a clue about until it happened. And Tracie, I often did believe that if I had a child AFTER the miscarriages, it would have been better. It was a long while until I realized nothing takes away that pain....and I simply thankful for the 2 I was able to have. ( ( HUGS) ) to all.

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Thanks so much for your lovely comments!